When I Was a Child
Reading Level: Grade 5
When I was a child, I thought a lot about what it would be like to get married. To be in love and to live with another person for the rest of my life; to care about someone else more than I cared about myself was one of the scariest thought I'd ever had. I know what many of you think girls dream about regarding marriage; my ideas were nothing like that. I always thought no one liked me because of my personality and to some extent, that's true. I never thought I would get married as a child because I am harsh, abrasive, crass and occasionally rude. I am also loving, compassionate, thoughtful and strong-willed. Honestly, I never thought there would be anyone on the PLANET who would volunteer to spend their entire life soul-bonded to me. However, when I was a child, I thought about it. I thought about it all the time. What would it be like to live full-time with a non-relative? What would a man expect of me? Is it hard to be a wife? Would I be any good at it? My parents separated when I was extremely young; just five years after marrying each other, their marriage was over. My grandparents divorced before I was born; there was only one happily married couple in my life growing up.
The only example of a functional and happy relationship I have ever seen was my aunt and uncle “across the street”. To this day, 38 years after "I do," my uncle has never even raised his voice above a whisper to my aunt. They gave me and ALL my cousin’s our first true example of love. To me, that's what love was: never fighting. It wasn't until later on that I found out the truth. Love is what happens after you fight. It's saying, "I'm sorry" when you're not sorry. It's accepting an apology that you know is never gonna come because "he's not sorry" and doesn't even recognize what he did wrong.
Childhood Celeste could have never understood that. Childhood Celeste was not someone who considered other people’s feelings. She was over-the-top dramatic and would never put someone else's needs above her own. Childhood Celeste was something completely different the Adult Celeste. Adult Celeste thinks about EVERYONE else before herself. She never does anything without thinking about how everyone who could remotely be involved will feel. Which is sad and restrictive, but that’s my life.
How I got here… well, that’s a conversation for another blog…